TOXIC People, Narcissists, Users, Emotional Vampires, Selfish, whatever you want to call them…they might be showing up in your life as someone you’re dating, a friend, family member or colleague. They get their hooks in you and don’t let go until you are completely drained and exhausted.
At first glance you might think the obvious answer is to just cut them off and get rid of them. After all who needs that kind of negativity in their life, right?
Cutting them off is one way to deal with it and for a lot of people this is their first reaction, the focus is on the external and the other person and they play the blame game.
Are they really the problem or a symptom of something deeper?
If you’re finding yourself attracting these types of relationships over and over, that’s usually an indication that you’re stuck playing out a reoccurring pattern. So yes, you can cut them out all you want but they’ll just keep coming back as the same experience delivered by a different person, until you take care of the source first.
So what should you do?
We are teaching people how to treat us all the time, the most powerful thing you can do is to look inward first. Make the shift to self and start to take responsibility for what’s showing up in your life.
And No that doesn’t mean that you’re to blame, or there’s something wrong with you or what they’re doing is Ok, it’s by no means Ok.
The Truth is, that patterns don’t change until YOU do.
If you only focus on the external and Blame instead of Claim, you’re basically saying I’m not in charge of how I feel and become a victim in your life instead of the creator. This can make life an emotional roller coaster, letting how others treat you dictate, whether you feel good or not, or worthy or not from moment to moment.
Taking responsibility for whats showing up in your life is the only way to shift your power back to you and attract what you want into your life.
When toxic people appear as relationship patterns in your life, usually what’s going on is that there’s something in your belief system, what you believe about yourself, the world or other people that’s causing you to line up with these experiences.
These are often unconscious beliefs and patterns that were formed when we were very young and will continue to play out until we pay attention to them and heal them.
The 1st step, is awareness and getting clear on your beliefs. Looking at what’s going on in a very non-judgmental way and asking yourself, why am I attracting this into my life?
It will be different for everyone but many of these are fear based. Fear of not being liked, loved, accepted, chosen…etc.
The 2nd step is to ask yourself what’s the lesson here?
I’m going to use boundaries as an example here because many of these situations are created by our own lack of boundaries.
The friend that makes you feel manipulated into doing her another favor, or the one who calls and wants to dump all her problems on you but never asks how you are, you dread hearing from them yet you might find yourself listening to their problems, or saying yes when you want to say no, whatever it is you let them push and continually cross your boundaries Then you are left feeling drained, used and unappreciated.
By starting to ask yourself questions about what’s really going on at deeper level you might discover that by not setting boundaries, and honoring your own needs first you’ve been consistently teaching them that you’ll put up with their toxic behavior which will actually attract more of it into your life.
The 3rd step is to ask, what do I need to do to heal this pattern and stop living it?
It might be something like: I need to learn be in my power and learn the skills to set boundaries and communicate my needs in a healthy way and know that people will still love me.
Cutting The Cord
At this point you can decide who you’re ready to let go of. There will be some where you say to yourself “Ok, I’ve got the lesson and it’s time for me to let this person go”.
And other people that might not be toxic to you anymore. You may find them respecting you and relating to you in a healthy way because you’re showing up in a healthy, respectful way for yourself.
And some will disappear, because they can’t manipulate or dump their problems out on you anymore and that’s Ok because you got the lesson and it’s time for them to move on.
The more you stand in your power and honor yourself first, the more you’ll find that less and less toxic people will be around you and that you’re attracting the kind of healthy relationships that you want.
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