One of the most frustrating and painful experiences of online dating is putting yourself out there, finally finding the perfect person to message, then hearing nothing back. You’re think you’re pretty attractive, intelligent and fun….So why aren’t you getting replies? If you’re online dating, here are the top 5 reasons you might not be getting a response to your messages.
1. You Aren’t Writing a Wide Range of Matches
Are you being too picky? Maybe only sending a 1 or 2 messages every week or two, and then only to the most attractive people that you can find?
The truth is that the most attractive people online, get bombarded with messages from everyone on the site. Because of this, it makes it harder for the average person to stand out or get replies. With the most messaged people only replying to those they also perceive to be the best, most attractive, match for them.
If they aren’t messaging you back, it doesn’t necessarily mean your aren’t attractive or are being rejected or that online dating doesn’t work. It just means that they have the most choice in that situation.
Sometimes when people are online dating, I find that they can unconsciously start adopting what I call “a shopping cart” mentality. In fact one study found that the majority of online daters are seeking potential matches who are at least 25 per cent more attractive than themselves.
Its looks something like this…Good looking? Check. Successful? Check? 6’4? Check. Leo? Perfect! Click and add to cart.
But of course real life doesn’t work this way. Neither does true attraction and love. In my experience many people fall for the person that isn’t typically their type.
So yes, message your dream man (or girl) but keep in mind people are much more than a photo online. The way a person moves, speaks and their charisma can only be experienced in person.
In this case the solution is to expand your horizons have a “Yes” list and a “Maybe” list and send messages to everyone.
2. Your Profile Needs Improvement
Having clear photos and writing an interesting profile is key. Common problems are: boring lengthy text or barely there text, blurry photos, spelling mistakes, vagueness, negativity, being self-deprecating or too picky, are also turn offs.
The ideal profile should be one or two paragraphs that paint a picture of your life and what it’s like to be in it. Then one more about the person you’re looking for. The more you can share about who you really are and what you value, the more they’ll be able to sense a connection when they read it over.
Photos should be recent and clear. The general rule of thumb is one clear headshot for your main photo, then one full length and another one of you doing an activity or hobby that you enjoy. When it comes to photos the more the better, try to get at least five up if you can.
Then evaluate, rewrite and spell check. Once you feel like you’ve done your best, ask a friend of the opposite sex for their take on it.
3. They Aren’t A Paying Member
Most paid dating sites allow anyone to sign up and create a profile but only paying members can message back. So just because you can see that someone has logged on recently doesn’t mean that they can respond to you.
4. They Are Busy or Overwhelmed
The person could very well be interested in communicating with you but, their calendar is full or maybe you got lost in their inbox. Online daters tend to be writing and dating multiple people, so it may be a case of responding to you at a later date. If you think this might be the case, feel free to send a follow up email.
5. Your Message Wasn’t Good Enough To Get Their Attention
What kind of message are you sending? Is it thoughtful or more like, “What’s sup?” or “Hi!”. Or the standard and very boring, “Great profile, we have a lot in common, check out mine and message me back” Or worse something you’ve cut and pasted to 50 other people.
These types of messages are basically saying:
- “I lack of creativity”
- “I don’t have anything interesting to say”
- “I’ve given up on dating or trying to be interesting online”
- “I’m just here to get attention and waste your time”
I know that writing messages can be at times tedious or discouraging. However, the basics of messaging are pretty simple.
Firstly, short flippant messages should be avoided whenever possible. One study found that overly cute-flippant lines were the least desirable form of introduction among women. Of course that doesn’t mean that long messages are better either. If its too lengthy, you can almost guarantee it won’t be read.
What matters most in message sending will be the length combined with the thoughtfulness put into it. If you’re naturally witty then bonus points. If not that’s ok to.
You don’t have to reinvent the wheel or be the most entertaining person on earth, just show that you’ve made the effort to be interesting.
The first step is to make sure that you’ve read their profile. Then draft a brief and simple message, one or two sentences that show you have some common ground. For example maybe you share a favourite author or love of hiking etc. Then ask a question at the end to get the conversation going and you’re set.
At the end of the day…
Finally, there will be times that you’ve done all that you can and they just aren’t into you. But really its not a bad thing, its just the way it is.
Just like you’re not going to be into everybody, not everyone you like is going to be interested in you.
If you aren’t getting any responses to your messages, it can be painful and feel a heck of a lot like rejection but its really re-direction. Towards the right person for you.
Online dating does work, but it can be tricky. It seems simple enough (click and add to cart) yet the truth is, that it has a big learning curve. However you can do something about it. Keep putting your best foot forward with these online dating tips and success won’t be far behind.
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