Have you been saying to yourself – “Should I text him first?”. Then you’re in the right place! Here are the top things that you must know before you decide to message him.
Budding relationships are built on communication. And in today’s modern world, like it or not, texting is a big part of how we communicate with each other.
And when it comes to dating, the rules around texting can also be frustrating and confusing. Like if you just met a guy, you’ve probably found yourself saying “Should I text him first?”
Or wondering wether or not you should you wait to hear from him.
The truth is there are no hard and fast rules around this. But there are some solid guidelines, and rules of thumb, that I can share with you.
The Real Answer To If You Should Text Him First
You should text him first if you genuinely want to and the situation calls for it. And if energetically you’re sending that text from a balanced and confident place. Both mentally and emotionally.
Let me explain. Many coaches will tell you that in this day and age it’s ok to text him first. Yet others will tell you that you should under no circumstances ever send him the first text.
However, I believe the best answer to this question starts with you. And the reason why you’re texting him in the first place.
You should text him first if, you’re reaching out to him to genuinely connect and communicate with him. If for any reason you’re texting him based on worry, fear or anxiety. Such as, trying to “keep his interest” or manipulating him to do something for you. Or to fill some kind of void in your life. Then the answer is no, you shouldn’t text him first.
Let’s dive a little deeper below…
When To Text Him First and When You Should Totally Wait
Use these texting tips, to help you answer that age old question “Should I text him first?”. Find out how to tell if you should or shouldn’t, and when to wait.
1. Have You Just Exchanged Numbers?
If you’ve just given him your phone number, the straight up answer is no you shouldn’t text him first. And here’s why…
Yes lovely lady, we are living in modern times. But there are still some guidelines and golden rules of thumb that stand the test of time.
Generally, I recommend letting a guy know that you’re interested first. This can be a flirty look across a crowded room, a first message online or starting up a conversation with him. It could even be you giving him your phone number. (1)
Simply put, this is just a way of you raising your hand (in a highly flirty and feminine way) and letting him know that you’re open to connecting. Once that’s taken care of, the dance of courtship begins. And then the ball is in his court.
In other words, if you’ve signalled interest and exchanged numbers he already knows that you are into him.
And if he’s into you as well, he’s not going to be waiting for you to text first. He’s planning and strategizing, and looking forward to texting you. So why not give him the space to do so!
This is not about playing silly mind games. It’s about setting the tone and the boundaries for the courtship process.
That said if you truly feel super confident and have no, I mean absolutely zero expectations, for the outcome of the text? Then yes, by all means feel free to send him a message.
But a word of warning. Most men will likely respond to your text. As it takes very little effort and investment for them to do so. But just because he’s replied, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to pursue you after that.
The truth is men value what they put work into. So if he’s not investing in you, then he’s not invested in you.
2. Should I Text Him First After The First Date?
The answer to whether you should text him after the first date depends on what actions you took while on the date. Generally I recommend showing sincere appreciation to the guy at least twice while on your date. This is set up in way that he knows that its going well and that you’re having a great time.
This looks like, once while in the middle of the date. Then again at the end. In conjunction with letting him know that you’re looking forward to seeing him again. Then leaving it at that. No follow up text at all.
Because if you’ve already said thank you on the date, and made it very clear at the end that you’re open to seeing him again. There’s simply no need to text him later.
He’s either going to ask you out again, or not.
However, if you forgot to thank him on the date. Or if you just genuinely want him to let him know that you had a great time. Then yes go ahead and text him first after your date.
I wouldn’t do it 5 minutes after you got home, but within the next day or two. Make sure that you close the text letting him know that you’re looking forward to seeing him again.
That way at least he knows that you’ll say yes to a second date. Then the ball is in his court, and its up to him to respond.
For a full explanation of when you should or shouldn’t text him to say “thank you” after a date check out this post > Should I Text A Guy To Say Thank You After A Date?
3. If You’ve Only Had a Few Dates
What’s your intention behind the text that you want to send? Are you trying to connect in the present moment? Or for another reason, like trying move the relationship forward? If the relationship is new, most women I speak with want the man to show his interest and pursue them.
So before you hit that send button, ask yourself if deep down in your heart if you’re sending him a text to actually connect. If its a yes, then go for it!
However if your sending for another reason. Like for example you’re really just hoping that you can keep his attention and get him to ask you out again? Or you’re texting him to try and get him to chase you? Then don’t bother.
First, because it’s going against what you really want. Which is to have him step up for you.
Secondly, because if it’s new, and its only been a few dates. Then he can’t pursue you, if you’re not giving him the actual space to do so.
4. Has It Been Days Since He’s Texted You?
Many women panic when they suddenly don’t hear from a man for two or three days. But just because you haven’t heard from him doesn’t mean you need to worry or start sending him “Are you ok texts?”.
People get busy, they have lives. You should have a life too. One that doesn’t involve obsessing over when a man you barely know, will or won’t, text you.
If you’re like many women, you probably want a guy that is consistent and a good communicator. Dating gives you the opportunity to see if that guy you’ve been seeing has those qualities. So let him have space and see what he does.
You’ll either hear from him. In which case you can relax.
Or you won’t. And soon realize that he’s pulled a disappearing act and ghosted you. Which like it or not, at least you’ll know that he’s not your forever guy. And you can move on to a guy that is.
5. Do You Initiate Texting More Than He Does?
Are you the one that’s always reaching out first, but would you prefer that he does? While theres nothing wrong with sending a first message, its becomes problematic when you’re always the one sending the first message.
Overtime, issues start to build up when you’re the one putting in all the effort. Because, you are basically setting the tone for the relationship. One where you are now doing all the work and he just sits back and does nothing.
If you want to feel like a guy is pursuing and showing a consistent interest in you. Then it’s important to set the tone of the relationship for courtship right from the beginning.
So you can build a solid and balanced foundation. One where, both parties are investing in each other consistently.
6. Are You Asking Yourself If You Should?
Well hello, Captain Obvious! Yes, I know this question is clearly on your mind. But here’s the truth, if you have to ask, the answer is always no. Please keep in mind this isn’t about being right or wrong.
This is more about the reason that you’re hesitating, anxious or worried about sending it.
When those types of emotions or anxious thoughts are present. Its usually an indication that you have some kind of thought or subconscious belief that is fear based. And because of that, the answer is no, don’t hit that send button. Let me clarify further.
Though the real answer is you should text him if you genuinely want to. And can do so confidently without any expectations for a specific outcome.
The truth is when you really like a guy, very, very, few women can send a text and not have any expectations around the outcome of it.
Why You Shouldn’t Message Him First
Most women I know, (I’ve been there too) if they send a text, and he doesn’t text back, or it doesn’t go the way you’d hoped. Can’t just shake it off like nothing happened.
Instead, you end up feeling crushed, disappointed and blaming yourself for doing something wrong. Spinning in fear and anxiety and beating yourself up. Frantically looking for all the reasons that he’s not into you, that you’re not good enough, attractive enough, etc.
I say yes these are modern times and it shouldn’t matter. Yet the reality is, that more often than not, it does matter. So if you have any doubt in your mind, just let it be. Let him come to you.
Then instead of texting him, take a look inward. At the underlying cause of that anxiety and fear behind your doubt.
The healing of that fear is the foundation of your ability to date with confidence.
It’s the foundation to your radiance and irresistibility to life, love and attracting a quality man.
7. Are You Wondering If He’s Waiting For You To Text Him First?
Many women fear that if they don’t initiate a text or the texting isn’t entertaining enough, that the guy will just fade away. And yes, that’s true. But, he’ll also be the guy that’s wrong for you who disappears.
He’s the non-committal guy, the wishy washy guy, the player or the peter pan. The guy that will not put in the work. No matter how awesome you are. This guy will fade away no matter what you do.
While you may think that the text you did or didn’t send created a total dating disaster. It really protects you and redirects you to something better.
The bottom line is this, the guy who truly wants to see you, who is truly into you? He’ll be the guy stepping up, he’s not waiting around for you to text him.
He’ll be the man that will pursue you whether you send him the first text or not. Because the right guy? He will not pass you by.
8. Do You Have A Hidden Agenda?
In general if you’re free of anxiety and expectations, sending him a quick text isn’t a problem. The issues come when you have a hidden agenda that’s actually motivating you to text him.
I get asked by woman all the time, “How can I keep a man’s interest?”. And most of the time my answer is always the same. It’s not your job to entertain a man. You must show up as you.
Its your authenticity, confidence and effortless radiance that naturally captivates a man. Not something you force.
That’s not say that theres something wrong with learning how to be more flirty or learning how to text a man. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the intention and energy you put behind it.
Worrying about keeping a guys interest most of the time comes down to a self worth issue. About having to be a certain way to keep a man. And if you’re constantly worried about this, it’s going to affect the relationship.
So before you send that text ask yourself what is the energy around this text? What’s really in my heart?
If you’re sending it just to send it. Texting him because you’re feeling insecure, hoping for his approval or some kind of validation from him.
Or if you know that you won’t be able to send the text without anxiously waiting for him to reply. Or obsessively checking your phone to see if he’s finally replied.
Then hold off on texting him, until you are in a good place emotionally and mentally.
9. Do You Genuinely Want To?
You should text him first if you genuinely want too. In a good relationship there’s really no hard and fast rules around communication. Overtime, most couples will naturally begin to develop their own communications styles that are special and unique to them. (2)
So, if it feels right to you and you want to thank him for that great date. Then go right ahead and send him that text.
If you have something interesting to say to him. Maybe you heard a funny story that he can relate to. Or came across something related to a common interest that you know he’d appreciate. Perhaps you have some good news that you’re excited to share.
Whatever the case, as long as you’re coming from a place of confidence and authenticity. Feel free to reach out to him first.
This type of texting comes across as sincere and genuine connection. And not like you’re trying to strike up a conversation because you’re bored or insecure. Or that you want something from him.
There’s no hidden agenda, no game playing, just two people connecting with each other. (3)
Should I Text Him?
The next time you ask yourself “Should I text him first?” you can use the guidelines above to help you find your answer.
Keep in mind every situation is going to be slightly different, just like the people in them. Use your common sense, and trust yourself! And if you do decide to initiate text him? Then do it from a place of total confidence.
After all, dating in this day and age, is complicated enough. So texting shouldn’t be too!
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