You’ve met a great guy, things seem to be going well. Then suddenly he disappears. Only to pop back up weeks later with no explanation at all. Here’s exactly what to do when he reappears after disappearing.
The disappearing man is confusing and frustrating. Confusing, because for many women, he ghosts after things seem to be moving in the right direction. He may have told you how he’s starting to really like you. Talked about how well things are going. He might have even mentioned introducing you to friends or talked about the future. Then poof gone.
You wonder what happened. Then just when you feel like you’ve accepted his disappearance.
You get a text out of the blue.
When He Comes back After Disappearing
Should you give him the benefit of the doubt and another chance? Play it sassy and cool? Or Ignore him completely?
Before we get into this. I know that dating advice can be confusing so I’m going to make this a clear as I can.
In this article, I’m sharing what to do in a scenario of the disappearing and reappearing man in the context of the early dating phase. Where a committed relationship has yet to be established. And it has been more than 7 Days of no communication.
Yes, I know that not hearing from that special someone for up to week can feel like a lifetime for some people. But not hearing from a man for a week when you’ve only had a few dates, isn’t disappearing. Its just life.
This advice is also not to be confused with a situation in which a man pulls away. But you’ve been in a relationship with him for several months or are exclusive. These are all different scenarios.
If you’re having trouble figuring out which situation you’re in, I highly recommend consulting with a dating coach to get clarity on how you should proceed.
What To Do When He Reappears After Disappearing
1. Get Grounded
He’s gone, you feel like you’ve accepted it and are ready to move on. Then ping, you get that text. Your heart leaps. He’s back! He does want me!
At this point its always a good idea to stay calm and grounded. If your head is spinning, don’t send a reply just yet. Take a moment to get centered and check in with yourself.
2. Get Clear On What You Want
Once you’re feeling centered, present and calm, take a moment to ask yourself how you really feel about the situation and him.
Is he really worth your time? (Spoiler alert, 95% of the time he is not worth it).
At this point you may decide any number of things.
You may choose to give him the benefit of the doubt. You may decide that you can do better, but still want some sort of closure. Or you may choose to ignore him all together.
3. Communicate With Confidence
Keeping in mind that a reply that you might think is cute and cheeky, is usually perceived as more passive aggressive. And almost never comes across the way you intend. Whatever your end game is, remember this you’ll catch more flies with honey.
4. Don’t Act as if Nothing Happened
I know many women who are afraid to ask the big questions or to say how they are really feeling to a man. They worry that if they don’t hold back, he’ll just leave again. I have even heard a few dating coaches recommend that if you really like the guy just act like “nothing happened”. Because you’ll only create drama and chase him away.
Well, to that I say good riddance!
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, communication, authenticity and integrity. Acting like nothing happened, like it didn’t hurt when this guy just vanished without a word is not authentic to a healthy relationship.
In my experience the situations that come up in dating are the perfect way to practice healthy relationship skills. Which in this case is setting boundaries and communication standards.
Yes, these conversations might challenge you or feel difficult. However, healthy communication is a skill that gets easier with practice. Once you learn it, you’re better able to communicate in a way that feels good to both parties.
Still afraid you’ll chase him away? Think of it this way, if you communicate with total integrity and that guy disappears again. The truth is he was never going to stay in the first place. So really you have nothing to lose.
5. What To Say If You Want To Know Why He Disappeared
Wanting closure or feeling like you deserve some sort of explanation as to why he vanished is perfectly natural . If this is the case for you, a phone call is best but you can also feel free to communicate over text. But don’t take it too deep over text.
It will only serve to confuse you and things might unexpectedly take a turn for the worst. If you think this might happen jump on the phone with him.
Be Warned that the closure option is never as fulfilling as one wants. Especially if somewhere deep down, your secretly hoping it was all just a mistake. That he’s filled with regret and he does really want you after all.
Say he’s texted you a version of …. “Hey”, “Hello” or “How are you?”.
Your example reply: “Hey! I’m good thanks. Haven’t heard from you in a while, what have you been up to?…”
This is polite, but assertive. He knows that you aren’t going to pretend like he wasn’t gone. But with this wording it gives him an easy opportunity to let you know where he’s been.
Then when feel like you’ve gotten your answer, you can kindly let him know that you won’t be giving him another chance.
That while you really enjoyed spending time with him, you don’t see him as someone who has the emotional maturity that you’re looking for in a partner. Then set a boundary that you would prefer that he respects your request and stops all communication with you.
6. What To Say If You Decide To Give Him Another Chance
If you’ve asked yourself the questions from point 2 above and you’ve decided that you are willing to give this guy a chance. You can use the steps below.
What to say if he disappears, then reappears and you want to give him another chance:
Usually in these situations he’s sent something along the lines of …“Hey”, “What’s Up” or “How are you?”.
Your Example Reply: “Hey, I’m good, having a great week”.
Do not ask a question at this point. Just wait for his reply.
Let him reply, then to whatever question he asks you. You reply by asking him to phone you. Do not keep texting with him. At this stage it’s very important not get into a long text exchange with him.
I know that many people don’t want to talk on the phone, but don’t sweat it. Other than meeting in person, it’s absolutely the best way to gauge his sincerity and get a handle on the situation.
Him: “What are you up to this weekend?”
You: “Great question, why don’t you give me a call and I’d be happy to answer it :)”
Once you’re on the phone call you must practice clear honest communication and set boundaries with him. Be kind, but direct and assertive.
You on the phone: “Last time we were hanging out I was having a great time. And I was really enjoying spending time with you, then you just disappeared. I’m really big on communication in my relationships, and it’s really confusing when someone disappears and reappears. I’m just curious has to what’s happened.”
Then let him answer and pay really close attention to what he says.
Is he respectful and remorseful? Does he offer a statement of regret? Does he take 100% ownership of his actions? Does he have a legitimate excuse like the death of a family member?
Because honestly? There are very few legitimate reasons why a guy can’t take 30 seconds to send you a text, to let you know what’s going on with him.
Or does he offer some BS story about how busy he is? Or how he was on vacation and is just getting back into the swing of things? A version of “Hey just saw your text now”? Does he get defensive or minimize his disappearance or your feelings?
At this point, I highly recommend that you do an intuition check with yourself.
How do you feel in your body as he’s speaking to you?
Does everything check out or is there a feeling in the pit of your stomach that he’s lying or deceiving you in some way?
Be honest with yourself about him and if he really deserves another chance.
7. When he Disappears and Reappears Let Him Go
You might not want to hear this, but in my experience letting him go without any explanation at all is usually the best option. A whopping 95% of the time.
The men that disappear and reappear rarely ever give you the closure that you think you need.
You’ll never really know why in a way, that actually feels good. Because any way you slice it, feeling rejected just doesn’t feel good. No matter what the reason.
Ignore. Delete. Block. Move on. Let him go.
There can be a million excuses why he disappeared and then came back. But that doesn’t make him right for you.
It’s ok to say no, to what you don’t want, so you can say yes to what you do want.
Men that deserve your time and attention, will not ghost you and reappear out of thin air later. They won’t play games. They live in integrity. Their actions match their words. They will make sure that they communicate with you. A man that can sustain a healthy partnership with you, will treat you like a priority not an option.
Now you know what to do when he reappears after disappearing. Never settle for less than you deserve. Don’t settle for men that only give you crumbs. Look for the man that shows you that he respects you, that he values your time and attention.
You are worthy of an amazing love story!
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