Understanding what to do when he pulls away is easy, when you follow these exact steps.
When the man that you’re with suddenly starts pulling away, it’s frustrating and confusing. You start to wonder where things went wrong. What you can do when he pulls away and if things with him will ever be the same again.
We’ve all been there. One day everything seems perfect. He’s calling, texting, and making dates with you.
Then the next, there’s a subtle change.
He’s sending you less texts. He’s less available for dates. Things just start to feel off. And the feeling of distance, seems to get bigger by the minute.
Your heart sinks. As you realize that what started out feeling like it was totally going somewhere, is now slowly fading away.
You may even start to feel like there’s nothing you can do.
But not worry, there are simple steps that you can take to deal with him pulling away. Below you’ll find out what to do when he’s gone silent on you.
And I’m covering two situations for you. When he pulls away and you’re in a relationship and what to do when he pulls away but you’ve only been dating casually.
The Top 3 Reasons That He Pulls Away
Before we get into the steps to take when a man withdraws from you. Lets go over the top three reasons that he has pulled away from you in the first place.
1. The biggest reason why men pull away has nothing to do with you or something you’ve done wrong. In fact, when he pulls away he’s not usually even fixating on you. He’s thinking about his life, his personal priorities and responsibilities.
Men deal with stress differently than women. (1) Men tend to want to deal with it on their own. Whereas women tend to want to process their emotions by talking it out with someone close to them.
So if he’s experiencing periods of stress or pressure, it’s a very normal reaction for him to need space from time to time.
2. Next, the second biggest reason that he pulled away, is because he sees red flags. Which in this case, do have to do with you.
In addition to obvious red flags, it will also happen if he has uncertainties about something in regards to you. Your display of certain behaviours or your relationship.
Before we go further, I’d like to make sure that I give you some clarity around this reason. Even though this reason is about you and / or the relationship, it’s still not a reason to panic. Or automatically start thinking that you’ve done something wrong.
For example, reflags can be nagging, neediness or him feeling like you’re trying to pressure him into something.
But a red flag can also mean a benefit to your future.
For example, he’ll pull away if sees that he can’t give you want out of a relationship. Or support you in the way that you need to be supported.
When this happens it’s about him taking the time think things over seriously. And consider if he’s the man that can really be there for you.
Which if you think about is pretty cool. After all don’t you want a man that truly wants to be there for you?
3. Finally, the third biggest reason that he pulls away, is that he isn’t ready for a committed relationship.
He may see that you are more serious than him about settling down. He may have just broken up with someone and then realized that it was too soon to be serious with someone again.
He may have thought he was ready to settle down but then after dating, changed his mind. Or he may have certain goals that he needs to accomplish before committing to one woman.
There could be any number of reasons that usually have nothing to do with you. This is about his life, and him not being ready.
Not about you doing something wrong, or not being good enough or loveable. In the end, you can chalk this up to a normal part of the dating process.
When You’re in a Relationship and He Pulls Away
If he’s pulled away, withdrawn or faded away don’t panic! There are 7 fool proof steps that you can take to deal with it.
1. Remain Calm
The #1 thing you can do when he pulls away when you’re in a relationship, is to keep calm. Do not spiral into fear mode. Just because he needs some space, doesn’t mean that it’s over.
The truth is when a guy pulls away it can be for any number of reasons. Most of which have nothing at all to do with you, something you’ve done. Or him wanting to end the relationship with you.
So take a moment to just breath.
2. Take Some Time To Reflect
Many times we create conflict in our relationships with men by assuming the worst about them. So it’s important to take a moment to understand what’s really going on with him.
You may automatically think that he needs space because he’s unhappy with you. But the truth could be that he’s just consumed by a stressful deadline at work.
After some reflection, you may realize that what you thought was him pulling away, was really just you jumping to conclusions. And he’s really not withdrawing from your relationship at all!
3. Check In With Him
If you’re in a relationship with him, then communication is key. Sometimes we don’t want to ask, because we’re afraid to hear his answer. But it’s important not to play games and approach your communication in the most authentic way possible.
So ask him what’s going on. If he’s emotionally mature, he’ll be able to share with you what’s happening with him.
Quick note here – at this point its important to mention that you must ask in a way that doesn’t make him wrong. Refrain from statements that are demanding or based on unfounded accusations.
Don’t over complicate it and come from a place of how you’re feeling…something like “I feel like there’s been some distance between us lately, is everything ok?”
If he says that he needs space, then get some clarity and ask him what he means by that.
4. When He Pulls Away Do Nothing (Don’t Pursue or Chase Him)
You’ve asked, and maybe you’ve even gotten your reason for the distance you’re feeling. Or maybe he’s asked for space. The next step, is to do nothing and actually give him the space he needs.
I know this can be really hard!
As soon as we feel a man pulling away, it’s natural for you to want to jump in and figure out what happened. It’s natural for you to want to reestablish a connection with him.
Even if you’ve talked to him, and logically know the reason that he’s pulled away. It can be difficult not to want to try and fix things between you.
But even though that’s your first instinct, it’s important to hold back after that initial conversation. Because pursuing him isn’t going to fix the issue.
And if he truly needs some space, it might even pile on undue pressure and push him further away.
Giving him space means you don’t call or text him. No emails, or DM’s on social media. And no trying to casually just “bump” into him out in the real world either.
5. Focus On Connecting With Yourself
While he’s getting space, take time to focus on you and your life! So many women get into a relationship and suddenly the man becomes their entire world.
They let friendships fade away and no longer pursue their own interests. But this is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. It’s important to have a life outside your relationship.
Not just for times of trouble when you need a shoulder to cry on, but for the good times too.
Your life should be like a sundae, and the relationship with your man is just one juicy fun part of that life. Kind like the whip cream and cherry on top. He’s adding that special something, but he’s just one part that makes life good.
There’s still a whole other part to you and why your life lights you up. A part, that’s made of all those other amazing pieces, and toppings, that keep you feeling happy and satisfied.
While he’s getting his space, shake up your life and your daily routine.
Get together with your girlfriends. Take an interesting class. Get a massage, start a garden, go to hot yoga or spin class. Basically, anything that’s designed to nurture your life and take care of you.
When you take steps to constantly nurture yourself, it increases your sense of self love, self worth and self confidence.
6. Be Open Minded
I know that it can be super painful when he’s pulled away. However, if you’re in a relationship it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Without being overbearing or trying to push for something to happen to make it all feel better.
If a man sees that you are able to give him the space he needs and he can come back without being manipulated, guilted, or lashed out at.
It helps to build trust, which is one of the foundations of a healthy and lasting relationship.
7. Communicate Your Needs
When he comes back, it’s important to communicate your needs to him in a high value way. That means being open, authentic and vulnerable with him.
When he needs space, it can trigger a fear of abandonment or bring up issues of self worth and not being good enough. And completely send our world and sense of security into a complete tailspin.
It’s ok to communicate your emotions to him. And you don’t have to act like your bullet proof and it doesn’t bother you.
But because we all have different communication styles, you must choose the right words, the time and the place. This will help him not to feel ambushed and on the defence.
When you’re ready to talk, let him how the distance made you feel. And have an open and honest talk about ways that you can best deal with it in the future.
If this step is difficult for you, the it’s important to learn the fundamentals of healthy relationship communication. This is where working with a relationship or love coach can really help to strengthen your relationship skills.
When You’ve Had A Few Dates and He Pulls Away
If he pulls away and its early on, or you’ve only had a few dates, it doesn’t always mean that’s over.
Here’s what to do…
1. The First Step Is Not To Freak Out
Don’t take it personally, or go into immediate panic mode. A man pulling away, in the early stages usually has nothing to do with you or something you’ve done wrong.
Before you go assuming the worst, remind yourself that it’s still early on. You’ve only had a few dates, and there could be a number of reasons why he seems distant.
He could be stressed or busy with a tight deadline at work. There could be family issues, or other things that have shifted his priorities.
2. Find Your Perspective
A man withdrawing from us, has a way of activating our deepest fears about ever finding love. It can make you spiral into a deep hole. And leave you feeling insecure, needy and anxious.
It can also bring up trust issues from old relationships. Which if not kept in check, will sabotage any chances of a current relationship going the distance.
Take a moment to observe what’s really going on with him. Is he really showing all the signs of pulling away? Or is something else going on and this just a part of the normal dating process?
3. Do Not Chase Him
In the early dating stages, the best thing you can do, is to mirror a mans actions. He invests in you, you invest him back.
Similarly, if he stops moving towards you, asking you out, texting etc. Then you stop moving towards him.
It’s natural to want to reach out and reignite the connection you’ve had. You want to send him a text, explain yourself. Somehow fix things, and pull him closer. But ask yourself after a few dates if that’s really in your best interest.
When we like a guy, we can get caught up in our ideal of who we think that he is. But in reality you don’t really know him. And while we think that chasing him might work, it actually has the opposite effect.
Because if he’s feeling pressured or backed into a corner, it will only push him further away.
You’ve got to life your life and let him find his way back to you.
So if he’s stopped investing in you? Then stop giving your power away by investing your time and energy into him.
Don’t call him, text or send him emails or direct messages. And definitely don’t spend hours playing detective and trolling him on social media.
Taking this approach will help you to feel secure, confident and high value. While also saving you a whole lot of unnecessary heart break.
Besides, do you really want to be with a guy that’s not interested in actively pursuing you?
4. Girl, Get A Juicy Life!
Sure having a quality man and a committed relationship is a wonderful thing. But, it’s not everything.
In our culture, we put so much focus on the value of being in a relationship that sometimes we forget an important detail. Having a significant other, is only one part of experiencing a happy, healthy life.
Having time to invest in yourself and your life on your terms, is actually an amazing thing. So if he needs space, then let him have it.
Use this time as as an opportunity to focus on you, and invest in your life and your future.
Reconnect with old friends, pick up a new hobby. Develop a new fitness routine, plant a garden. Give back to your community. (2) Read personal development books, start a side hustle or make travel plans.
Try anything and everything that peaks your curiosity.
Doing what that lights you up (4) and gives you pleasure. While building a life that you want to live.
And a woman who is deeply deserving of a fulfilling and loving relationship.
5. Shake Up Your Daily Routine
Instead of being stuck at home alone with your thoughts, crying or upset it can be helpful to change up your daily routine.
Try taking a different way to work, go to the gym at a different time of day. Get your coffee or have lunch or dinner somewhere new. Make weeknight plans instead of saving them for the weekend.
Getting out of old routines has a way of getting you out of your head and balancing low vibe emotions. It also helps to bring your energy levels up and makes your day to day life a little more exciting.
And if you give it a chance, it could attract new opportunities of all kinds into your life.
6. Go On Dates (With Other Men)
Yes, you like this guy, and you’ve had fun so far (well except for the pulling away part). But you barely know him. So in reality, it’s just too soon to tell if he’s the one for you.
The general rule of thumb is simple. If you’re not in a committed relationship, then you’re single. And until you’re actually in a committed relationship, then you should be dating other men.
When you do this, you let the right man move towards you and invest in you. And the wrong men will naturally fade away.
You’re left dating confidently. Instead of feeling devastated when one of those men, ghosts on you.
Getting Him Back After He Pulls Away
If he’s pulled away because he just needs to figure out how he feels about you, he will get back in touch. When he does, you have a few choices.
1. You can evaluate how you feel about him and decide if you want to move forward or not.
If you decide to move forward with him, and you’ve only been dating casually, don’t just pick up where you left off. Depending on how long he’s been gone you may even want to start over from date one.
This isn’t to play games or to make him “work for it”. Its more so you can date from a place of confidence. Giving your time only to men who value and respect you.
2. If he’s disappeared for a week or less, you can say nothing. As this might just be a normal part of life. Or you can ask him in a high value way what happened and where he’s at.
3. If he’s pulled away or gone silent for a week or more you can read how to handle it in my article –“What to do when he’s vanished and then reappears in your life again”.
Final Thoughts About How To Deal With Him Pulling Away
When he pulls away or goes radio silent on you, it can feel pretty scary. But it’s important to keep in mind that the choices that you make during this time are either going to bring him closer and back to you. Or push him further away.
Most importantly, they will also help you stay happy and move forward in your relationships more confidently.
So now that you know what to do when he pulls away, you can relax. It’s ok to give him space, it’s ok for you to get space too.
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